“You and Me”

It doesn’t matter how much I want us to be friends. It doesn’t matter how much she wants the same thing. Almost everything we say to each other is mean or annoying. She does it because I’m doing it. I do it because the annoying and mean things she does are things I can’t take. I just can’t take it. I feel like she doesn’t try to hold back. I feel like she doesn’t try to refrain. She just does it, whatever. I can’t do it. I can’t deal with everything she does. I get mad. I get so angry, I don’t think to control what I say to her. I say mean things I don’t mean, but they’re things that will let her know I’m angry. She takes it personally. I tell her to leave, she thinks my reasons are stupid. She doesn’t know how much she’s hurting me. I hurt her, and I feel awful, but I just can’t take it. That’s no excuse, but it’s a damn good explanation. I want to be her friend. But I want to be friends with the part of her that’s nice, funny, and not annoying or hurtful. And that’s only a fraction of who she is. I want it to work. I want to still be her friend. But I can’t be friends with the person she is most of the time. None of my friends can help. The only one who can is someone who’s sick of us fighting. I hurt all the time, but not just because of her. She only makes me worse. I don’t want to tell her I won’t be her friend. She’s been my friend for eleven years. But the person she’s becoming is a person I can’t get along with. I’ll miss her.

I think this through so much more than she does. She doesn’t care. She just wants to be my friend and hang out with me. I can’t just brush it off, I have to think about it and get angry and ask that she be nice. She doesn’t do things that way.

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August 1 09. Uncategorized.

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